Saturday, March 25, 2017

Road Closure on the way to destination: Dream

I have had a series of ups and downs that led me to hit rock bottom. I have been struggling so much. I forgot I had this outlet to write freely. Writing is therapeutic for me. It all began last year with that project. The one which led me to stop writing. I have always had a knack for it. I can express myself much better with written word rather than verbal. It always has been that way. I'm way too awkward. I had this theory that my writing and ideas were good and if I kept at it and got this degree I have been working on, I could blog on the side until I could really make something out of it. The project was my reality check. I had been moderately successful building a follow base on Twitter so I truly thought that when I was ready to expose my alter ego on Facebook to people I know, it would blow up. I ended up having to beg people to follow me so I wouldn't fail the project that would define my grade. Instead it ended up defining me. I subscribed myself and my Mother they are the only subscribers I got. Turns out strangers think I'm more clever than people who actually know me.  I KNOW I am a good writer. I make an A on every paper I write, but people just don't get me. I am different, unique. Some might say a horse of a different color, but I already knew that. I thought, for some reason, this would be different. It wasn't. **Cry Break** Not really, I'm over it. My project's focus was a subscriber and follower drive. Lucky for me my teacher sucks and gave me a grade I didn't deserve. I worked my ass off, but the results were a joke and all the project did was crash my dreams and let me know that I was the joke. I was so upset that this is the first thing I have written since. I have wanted to quit school since then, but still I soldier on. I also had the idea in the beginning that I could code on the side and maybe have a small web designer business. I don't think I can code well enough for that either so at this point I'm finishing for a piece of paper and not to just waste all the time I have invested. **another cry break** just kidding.

This leads me to my present day predicament. Every year we have to write our own evaluations at work and turn them in. I always do well because well, I work my butt off and I can write. The last question on the evaluation was something to the effect of "Tell us how the company can fulfill you, or what goals you have" something like that. I wrote exactly what I wanted to do. The closest definition would be data analysis. My supervisor read it and went to her supervisor. It turns out there was a job open that I didn't know about. I am at the top level in my department with my education this would be a natural progression for me. The 2nd level supervisor came and asked me to apply for this job. I had an interview with her that was scheduled for 45 minutes and turned out to be an hour and a half. She asked me about money and we talked about the hours I would be working. The very next day she scheduled me for an interview with her supervisor...the head of claims. I was so nervous. She gave me her personal cell number so we could talk strategy and how to be successful in the interview with him. It went great. I had it on lock. I knew if I didn't get the job it would ONLY be because someone had much more experience.  At the same time a Supervisor job was posted and my best friend at work applied for it. We went through perfecting resumes, filling out the apps, and preparing for the interviews together. I mention him because there is a surprise twist coming. One of those twisted movie endings you never see coming.

First let me tell you what this job meant to me. I am one of the top people in my department making 14.72 and hour with a 10% shift differential for working nights. I'm ok at night, I have always worked nights. If you know me or follow me in any way, shape, or form you know I'm a vampire so it's all good. The problem is I got someone hired last year and found out they are hiring people in the door starting pay $15. I am lucky with the position I have because the phone job sucks so much that it is a revolving door. I have 2-3 years more experience than most everyone in the call center and they make A LOT more money than me. So, first of all this new position would have been the answer to my financial problems. I am 45 years old and if my Mom didn't need to live with me I couldn't afford my house because of past failures. I know I am a loser. This job would have changed all that. I was never able to make anyone fall in love with me, I am barren so I will never know the priceless feeling (and truly only thing I ever really wanted) of being a Mother. I know everyone thinks I'm weird, but finally everyone would know that at least I'm smart. This job title would have finally given me that, and most importantly, proven it to me. I am not anyone's idea of normal, but at least I'm smart. I only qualify for this job because I have 4 years in the department and I know what needs to done and know all the systems. I wouldn't qualify for a data analyst job in any other company.

The last question of my first interview was, when will I know? She stated to me I would know by the end of the month. So I waited 3 weeks on pins and needles. February 28, the last day of the month she started sending out emails about people being promoted, so I emailed her to ask if a decision had been made. She replied she would stop by my desk in a bit. I knew then. The gist of what she said...I kind of blanked out and was trying not to fall apart...was that  I was the top pick but, the position I applied for had been eliminated and they were splitting the job description between 2 others. She mentioned to me that she wanted to create a hybrid position for me to take advantage of the talent I had because they would still need someone for odds and ends basically and she had been playing around with job titles. We just had another meeting about that and I will go into that later. I was/am devastated. I am not exaggerating, a month later and I am still hanging on by a thread...but there's more! While I was waiting for my offer letter my Supervisor that began all this, pulled my team together to let us know that her role was changing and she would not be our boss anymore. I already knew that so I didn't think anything of it. My new role was taking over some of the reporting she does because she was going to start working more with scheduling and forecasting. My friend did get promoted to supervisor. I was pumping him up the whole time, but I really didn't think he would get it. He is 22 years old, been with the company less than 2 years and still in school working a special schedule. Do you see where I'm going with this?

2 weeks ago it was announced that Kathy (my supervisor) was moving into the role of Reporting Analyst II...But wait a minute that was the very job title I applied for that was 'eliminated' and my friend is now my supervisor. OK, I know this was not planned in the beginning. The job was posted before I even interviewed for mine. There is a significant need for more leadership. I believe with all my heart that for some reason he is more important to them than I am and they took my promotion so they could give it to him. There is no other way to rationalize it, because that is what happened. So I've had plans to meet again with the upper level manager Julie for a couple weeks and finally had my meeting this past Monday. Basically I will be doing testing, reporting, and a lot of odds and ends things they need. Basically the job I applied for, but no title (like the hybrid one she told me I'd get) and no more money, and no more being a salaried employee working day shift with weekends and holidays off reporting directly to her. I have worked every weekend for 4 years so I did ask to go on a Mon-Fri night time schedule because I can't afford a pay cut. I have to 'stay tuned' for a decision on that. She said because of the reporting they want me to do a Mon-Fri probably makes more sense. I really didn't want to ask for anything. I'm so hurt and mad at her I honestly didn't even want to have the meeting because I don't want to talk to her. I didn't ask for it at first, but decided to because I think they at least owe me that. I'm not going to hold my breath because she has already let me down twice. Lets all keep in mind that I didn't ask for any of this. THEY CAME TO ME!

I have literally cried every day for a month. Sometimes so much that my Mom held me like I was a little kid, more times than I'd like to admit and unfortunately Adam was here the day I found out Kathy got my job title and I haven't cried like that in years. Ironically I think it was the day I lost my job at Dell and he was here then too. I don't like him seeing me that way. I scared him, he was calling Mom to check on me for days after. I can't move past it. Every day I go to work and say, okay it's time to move on, but I can't. Why did she do this to me? I was stepped on and now I'm supposed to just get back up and lap up any crumbs they throw my way. The other side is now I have lost my best friend at work. I made a joke a few weeks ago, he told me first because we are so close and went through all this together, I went to him and said, well you know everyone is going to be kissing your butt now, but just remember I have been here the whole time. His response was, oh no I can't have anyone saying I'm treating someone different. I felt like he punched me in the stomach. It was a fucking joke. When we had the meeting to break it to us that he is our Sup now we were told, if we wouldn't do it in front of another Supervisor not to do it in front of him because that would put him in an awkward position. So now we can't be friends at all. I don't know what I can and can't say so I just don't say anything at all. I took it all personal because it is personal to me. I think everyone else took it that way too because on the days he is there with us no one says a word, not even to each other anymore. The tension is palpable and I don't see it getting better anytime soon. I have been vocal to my close team mates about my role changing a bit and that I'm trying to get a schedule change because I don't want to be underhanded about it. I have began worrying that it's not fair to them that I get to change hours, if I even do. I have been praying and my close family has been too. Everyone is worried about me and it's just TOO MUCH!

I've had at least 4 crushing things happen over the last 6 months. Every time something falls through everyone says well, God has something better waiting for you. I know this is true and every time a new opportunity comes I think, well that is what God had in mind for me so that it why the last thing didn't work. I know it's true and I have faith that he has a plan, but I don't know how many more failures I can handle before my "what God has planned" comes. I am literally crying every day. If anyone happens to read this....yeah I'm joking because I'm the only one who reads it...if you stumble upon this somehow, someway..give a shout out for me with the man upstairs. I could use some mental stability.

***I actually made it through this without tears. Whoop, Whoop. I would say that's progress, but Mom held me while I cried again yesterday. I guess I'm still numb today.

Thursday, November 10, 2016

Throwback Thursday || Criminal Minds

I binge watched the first 7 or 8 seasons of Criminal Minds several years ago. I could have sworn I wrote about the wedding episode after I watched it, but maybe I posted it on Facebook. Either way this is my throwback for the week. I got the idea to search for the original post, because I have binging the new season today and just watched a great JJ and Will episode.
I have the tendency to be very empathetic. I get sucked in to the shows I watch, especially when I binge. I guess it's an escape from reality. I kind of live vicariously through them. That may sound odd, but if you know me you know I'm different. Always the horse of a different color so to speak. This song touched my soul and it fit their story so well it was just beautiful.

Monday, November 7, 2016

The Walking Dead || The Cell

Let me just start by saying I hate Dwight. They built this whole episode around feeling empathy for him, but I don’t. I feel like things are going to turn around and he will end up helping Daryl, but it won’t change my mind. Last night was all about finding out how The Saviors live and it’s not good for the most part, although they do have TV and electricity. It looks like some of them are living well but they have to worship Negan. Everyone drops to their feet to kneel as he passes, like peasants to their king. It’s sickening really. The girl (Sherry) that was with Dwight when they met Daryl is here. There is a story there.

They have Daryl in a cell in the dark naked. Dwight is feeding him dog food sandwiches. He is being tortured with sound. Playing the same song over and over and over and won’t let him rest. Someone came to feed him and left the door unlocked. Daryl was able to get out. Sherry found him first and told him to go back, he would not get away. You know our Daryl; he found a row of motorcycles and ran for it. As soon as he did Negan and his flunkies show up, it was test just like everything else with Negan. He tried to break Daryl, but couldn’t do it. Daryl got a beating form Negan’s boys. Sherry came to Daryl’s cell and apologized for what she and Dwight did to him. Daryl told her back in the woods she would be sorry, and she is.

One of the saviors tried to run away, Dwight’s friend, Gordon. Dwight had to go after him. A zombie fell from a bridge and almost fell right on top of him. I wish Dwight would have been killed. He got attacked by dead and got away. He has Daryl’s crossbow, jacket, and motorcycle. He ain’t no Daryl though. Gordon tries to reason with Dwight. He can't understand why there are so many of them and all are blindly following Negan and letting him strip them of everything they have. Dwight threatens him with everything he can think of and Gordon reluctantly agrees to go back. Dude turns around to start walking back and Dwight shoots him in the back. Jackass.

Now we are back with Daryl in the cell. Dwight throws a Polaroid of Glenn after the beating at Daryl yells at him that it’s his fault his friend is dead and closes the door. Then he changes the torture music to a country song crying over you. Daryl broke and finally started grieving. Next we see that Dwight has taken Daryl to Negan. Negan tells Daryl the story of how Dwight got to be who he is. Dwight and Sherry ran away with Sherry’s sister that Negan wanted to marry. When they came back he was going to kill Dwight but Sherry said she would marry Negan to keep Dwight alive. He agreed but still took an iron to Dwight to teach him a lesson. This is where the scars came from. Negan is ready to let Daryl out and make him one of them. He asks the question that all his flunkies obey to, “Who are you?” all his people have to answer I am Negan. Daryl wouldn’t say a word, but when pressed he looked up and said, “I’m Daryl.” I was proud and terrified at the same time. I don’t know why Negan didn’t kill him on the spot, but next scene he is being thrown back in his cell. Dwight is disgusted with him for not obeying. The end of the show is Dwight walking outside and seeing his friend THAT HE SHOT IN THE BACK walking around in a fenced in area where all their pet zombies are. The people that have disobeyed Negan are kept as some kind of pets to rot right in front of them.

The Talking Dead gave us a sneak peek of next week. It is a 90 minute episode and OUR PEOPLE are finally going to be back. I am glad Daryl is ok and the acting in this episode was top notch. Everyone was great, but I’m pissed. All I want to know is how Maggie is. It is MADDENING that they have kept her from us for so long. Until next time, prayers for Daryl and that they give us Maggie next week.

Monday Mooan || Dermot Mulroney

***To my one email subscriber Trey...look away and delete now you might not want to see this weekly post :)

I was introduced to the lovely Mr. Mulroney back in 1989 when I saw this move Staying Together. I can't remember much about it, other than it was really good, about 3 brothers, and starred Sean Astin and Dermot Mulroney.  Here is a still from the movie. How cute was he?!?

Staying Together movie still of Dermot Mulroney
Source: IMBD
The next impression I remember him making on me was being that dreamboat in My Best Friend's Wedding. That character is the man every girl wants to fall in love with. Hmmmm....

Gif of Dermont Mulroney speaking to Julia Roberts in the move My Best Friend's Wedding
Source: Tumblr/FuckYeahDermotMulroney

I hate to mention Shameless yet again, but I'd be lying if I didn't say that is how he wound up back on my radar. He was great in Season 6. Now he is on a new show playing the chief of staff at this hospital with state of the art unheard of technology. It is Pure Genius, both the name of the show and the premise. I watched the first 2 episodes the other night and realized he should be my pick for this week. If you aren't watching you should be. It is  another medical drama, but totally different from the others. Dermot has turned into a silver fox right before my eyes. Here are 2 more good ones to go.

Dermont Mulroney Black and White
Source: Deadline
Dermot Mulroney head shot
Source: Pinterest

Thursday, November 3, 2016

I'm still here

First and foremost I need to say Thank You one more time. I so appreciate all the new followers and subscribers I have received. I have been having a great week. The stress of the project is gone and deciding to take this week off from posting has eased the pressure. I also finally got a rejection letter from a job I applied for back in September. I'm sure that sounds odd to be relieved to receive a rejection, but I was literally checking my email 3 or 4 times a day for the last 6 or so weeks waiting for them. Message received stress alleviated. I have had time to make peace, for the most part, with many unfair and downright hurtful things that are going on at work...the reasons I applied for another job in the first place.

I wanted to share a few things I found out from the experience. The mobile site is not as functional as the web version. The follow and email subscription prompts do not show up in mobile. I am trying to find out if I am able to reconfigure and fix that. I had hundreds of page views a few days last week and many were mobile so they didn't even get the option to follow or subscribe. I also found out that Feedburner subscriptions are double opt-in. This is a common practice that I have learned details about recently. When you sign up on a website you are sent a confirmation email with a link that you have to click to finalize the subscription. This is a safeguard to keep your newsletter from ending up in the spam folder. Many websites use this and it was not foreign to me. I walked a friend through how to subscribe yesterday and we discovered that Feedburner is indeed double opt-in. It is a good thing in the long run, but I think it confused people. There may have been others that subscribed but didn't know that they had to click on the confirmation.

Even though last week was very stressful for me and, I'll say it again, my project was a gigantic failure as far as the metrics I was using go, I learned some things about my blog that will help me in the future. Numero Uno being that my mobile layout needs to be reconfigured. Blogger does not give you as much freedom with layout that some of the other blog hosts do. Blogger is a dream come true for beginners due to user friendliness. Now that I have learned so much about website optimization and design, Blogger is not giving me all the options I need to make it what I need it to be. I hope I can figure this out. I have read that when you try to move your .com to another host your Blogger archives get corrupted and it's just hard to make it work. I'd hate to lose 6 years worth of content.

Tiny White Dog Hi-Fiving Someone
I'm leaving you with some cuteness and a promise to get it together and be back next week. How adorable is this stuffed animal come to life?

****UPDATE: Yay I figured out how to fix the mobile layout so it reflects the same content. It doesn't look as good, but maybe I'll be able to tweak it more. Good news though.

Monday, October 31, 2016

I Need a Minute

I hate to lose momentum, but after this intense last week I need a breather. I don't PROMISE I won't post about The Walking Dead tomorrow, but I can't promise I will either. I spent hours every night after work making memes, writing posts, and scheduling everything to go out the next day. I need a minute to catch my breath. Please don't let me lose your interest if I managed to take hold of it. I will be back in a couple days.
Little blue alien shaking head
I forgot to pick someone for Monday Mooan this week. I just got home from work and realized that. It's 1:00 am and time for me to watch The Walking Dead on DVR
I just don't have time for lust right now.
Talk to you soon,!

Sunday, October 30, 2016

Thank You

First and foremost I want to thank every person that viewed my page this week. Most people don't know that this was a huge project I have been working on for several weeks and counts as a large portion of my grade. This was the execution phase. I think that I have created and posted more content in this last few weeks than I have the whole time I've had my blog. This is my creative outlet. This project forced me to do many things that I did not want to do. All the risks I took did not pay off in the long run. This project has kind of sucked the joy out of it for me too. I just wanted to say Thank You to every person that has followed, viewed, commented, or liked anything that I have posted here and on Social Media this past week. I truly appreciate it from the bottom of my heart.

My project was a gigantic failure, but I appreciate the support that I got. If you followed or subscribed by email I hope you enjoy my content. I don't usually post this much. This week instead of writing papers for class, executing the project was my focus. If I ever finish school I will be able to put more energy into it and try to turn it into what I want it to be. Then again this week I gave up my anonymity, shared this on Facebook, had several hundred page views a day and got 3 new followers and 2 comments. People just don't get me, but it's OK. I already knew it.
Debbie Downer animated Gif

I hope this doesn't come off Debbie Downer, but I knew this was going to be a dud. I had no choice due to this stupid marketing class that I hate with a passion. I already assumed that if I couldn't get my own Mother to read an essay that I wrote I might not be able to get anyone else to. I was doomed from the start. That's the main reason I never told anyone about it. My family didn't even know. All I can do is the best I can do and hope it's good enough.

Let's talk about The Dead

I am still not over what happened to Glenn, but I cannot wait to see what effect this has on everyone else. I did not read the comic books so I don't know a lot of what's to come. I'm looking forward to meeting King Ezekiel and the tiger. The actor portraying him used to be on General Hospital and I did not like him at all. I hope he is able to pull off this character that people are so excited about.

I left the last episode wondering how the show is going to move on without "Glaggie" the hope of the show. If they follow the comic, Maggie will end up running Hilltop. I can see how Glenn's death will break her at first, but make her much stronger. The hope of the show will now lie within their baby, if it makes it ,and Judith. Let's face it, they don't have much else going for them at this point. I hope we are not in for a season full of torment. After the way it started I don't know how much I can take.

I am interested to see what effect the deaths are going to have on our core characters. I have no clue how it's going to go from here...well except for shipping Moral. I totally think Morgan and Carol are going to happen. I am interested to see if anyone directly blames Daryl. We know he will torment himself for the rest of his days, but will the others see it that way or just add it to the laundry list of reasons to hate Negan? I'm glad that I knew Jeffrey Dean Morgan before this because I would totally hate him otherwise. I have seen links to videos with Glenn's death scene all over the internet but I haven't been able to watch it again. I'm sure I'll be watching reruns for years to come, but I don't know if I will ever sit through that again. It was horror movie quality, but that is not what got me. It was watching it happen to my favorite character. A little piece of my heart died right along with him.

Let's hope tonight's episode is a little ( or a lot ) less eventful than last week. I mean I guess the Kingdom and the Tiger are the only way they could follow an episode like that. I'll be watching when I get home and blogging about it tomorrow.

Happy Walking Dead Day Friends,

Saturday, October 29, 2016

Life Hacks

I am a huge fan of Lifehacks. I have learned so many things that I would NEVER have thought of and it opened my mind to new ideas. I want to post a few of my favorites and the good ones that I have come up with myself.

Vent Clips
I had a Downey scented Febreze vent clip in my car I love the smell of Downey. I bought it in a pack of 2. I was in my bedroom and turned on my fan when I had the idea. I wondered if the vent clip would fit into the fan without getting caught in the blade. It worked!  Now when I have had one in my car for a few weeks and the scent starts to fade I put in the fan in my bedroom. It is the best air freshener I have ever had.

Febreze on Fan Vent Clip Hack

Cook Bacon In The Oven
I'm sure many people have heard of this. I just recently tried it. I love bacon, but I am lazy and I don't like to cook it. This process allows you to put it in the oven and forget about it. Line a baking sheet with parchment paper. This should go without saying, but make sure the pan is deep enough so that the grease can't drip. Bake on 350 for around 20 minutes or until bacon is crispy. It is easy to see when it's done. It doesn't curl up like it does in the frying pan either. This is a total WIN!.

Bacon frying in the oven

Draining Hamburger Grease
This may be the best thing I ever came up with. Once your hamburger is fried place your strainer in a glass bowl. Drain the grease off the meat into the bowl and put it somewhere to the side. It takes a while for the grease to congeal, but once it does you can throw it in the trash. This way you don't have to worry about the grease leaking out into your trash can.

Draining Hamburger Grease Through Strainer into a glass bowl

Leave-in Conditioner
I got this idea off of Pinterest years ago and it works so well I've been using it every since. I have curly hair that frizzes easily. I can get wet my hair with this and it curls back up. I have a bottle that sprays really well, it actually was a leave-in conditioner bottle. Squirt a few drops in the bottle and then fill with warm water then put the lid on and shake it up to mix well. You never have to buy it again I have been doing this for several years. You can use any type of conditioner, but I recommend using a better brand. The last time I bought Curl Cream from the Big Sexy Hair line. It was expensive but you only use a little squirt of it each time so it lasts forever. This is a great money and time-saver.

Curly Sexy Hair Condtioner and Leave in Condtioner Spray Bottle

Downy Wrinkle Release
This idea is just like the one before and may have been in the same article where I found the leave-in conditioner. If you haven't used Downy Wrinkle Release you should. If you have an article of clothing that is wrinkled but only a little bit, you spray it until it's damp, smooth it down and it drys with no wrinkles. I was using this anyway when I saw this hack. The recipe is the same as with the Conditioner. Pour a bit of Downy in a spray bottle and fill the rest of the way with warm water and shake it up. It works just as well as what I bought. It can also work for something that has been hanging in the closet for a while and is clean, but lost the laundry smell. Spray it with this and it's like it was just washed.

Downy Wrinkle Release Spray Bottle

Friday, October 28, 2016

Friday Fail || Halloween Fails Adult Edition

Adult Costume Fails. There is a running theme here, but it wasn't deliberate. These are some of the worst I saw in my Google Search.

Avatar Fail

Fail Avatar costume fail, Zoe Saldana character

Mystik Fail
She is no Rebecca M. or Jennifer L. 

Xmen Mystik costume fail

Ebola is sexy now?

Sexy Ebola Nurse costume Fail

This is this is going to give me nightmares.

Fail Horrific Bert and Ernie costume, nightmarish

This is ComicCon I'm sure but I had to include
this version of Slave Leia 

fail Nasty Lady in Slave Leia costume from Comic Con

Halle Berry? I think not!

Fail Plus size Catwoman