Monday, September 5, 2016

Community College

Fair warning before you begin;  I am on a downer.  I didn't want this to turn into the whine fest it was previously, the reason I shut it down in the first place, but this is my creative outlet and it's not always going to be happy.

I have had something gnawing at me for several weeks.  I have a 4.0 GPA, this is the best academic experience I have had in my entire life. I already have an Associates in Science, majoring in Cancer Information Management with a national certification. Doing this well has made me feel like I'm finally on the right path and every time I get the honors list letter I am so proud of myself. A friend and I were having a conversation several weeks ago. I don't even remember what it was about now. She told me that she tested out of high school at 16 and began attending college. She was going to a school that was harder than community college, but not hard like a real college. It was a slap in the face even though I didn't let on that it bothered me and she had no clue I took it that way. All the hours I've spent and the sweat and literal tears that I have put into this don't matter because hey, it's not like it's a real college anyway.

This couldn't have come at a worse time. I took the Summer semester off because I am having such a stressful time at work; that and struggling to learn to code took its toll on me. I am at a point in my not real college career that I'm questioning everything. I found out probably an hour ago that I got an 80 on a paper I worked 7 hours on because, funnily enough, the link to the blog post I wrote wouldn't open correctly and I uploaded the paper but didn't actually submit it. Am I self-sabotaging? The job that I have figured out I can be promoted to is something I DO NOT want to do. I want my blog to be a success and have come to the realization that #1 I don't need this web design degree to do it and #2 I'm deluding myself into thinking I'm a good enough writer that people will care about it. I keep coming up with all these hair-brained ideas and it all always goes back to me feeling like I will never get what I want, or need, to be fulfilled and happy.  That I'm good enough.

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