Saturday, March 25, 2017

Road Closure on the way to destination: Dream

I have had a series of ups and downs that led me to hit rock bottom. I have been struggling so much. I forgot I had this outlet to write freely. Writing is therapeutic for me. It all began last year with that project. The one which led me to stop writing. I have always had a knack for it. I can express myself much better with written word rather than verbal. It always has been that way. I'm way too awkward. I had this theory that my writing and ideas were good and if I kept at it and got this degree I have been working on, I could blog on the side until I could really make something out of it. The project was my reality check. I had been moderately successful building a follow base on Twitter so I truly thought that when I was ready to expose my alter ego on Facebook to people I know, it would blow up. I ended up having to beg people to follow me so I wouldn't fail the project that would define my grade. Instead it ended up defining me. I subscribed myself and my Mother they are the only subscribers I got. Turns out strangers think I'm more clever than people who actually know me.  I KNOW I am a good writer. I make an A on every paper I write, but people just don't get me. I am different, unique. Some might say a horse of a different color, but I already knew that. I thought, for some reason, this would be different. It wasn't. **Cry Break** Not really, I'm over it. My project's focus was a subscriber and follower drive. Lucky for me my teacher sucks and gave me a grade I didn't deserve. I worked my ass off, but the results were a joke and all the project did was crash my dreams and let me know that I was the joke. I was so upset that this is the first thing I have written since. I have wanted to quit school since then, but still I soldier on. I also had the idea in the beginning that I could code on the side and maybe have a small web designer business. I don't think I can code well enough for that either so at this point I'm finishing for a piece of paper and not to just waste all the time I have invested. **another cry break** just kidding.

This leads me to my present day predicament. Every year we have to write our own evaluations at work and turn them in. I always do well because well, I work my butt off and I can write. The last question on the evaluation was something to the effect of "Tell us how the company can fulfill you, or what goals you have" something like that. I wrote exactly what I wanted to do. The closest definition would be data analysis. My supervisor read it and went to her supervisor. It turns out there was a job open that I didn't know about. I am at the top level in my department with my education this would be a natural progression for me. The 2nd level supervisor came and asked me to apply for this job. I had an interview with her that was scheduled for 45 minutes and turned out to be an hour and a half. She asked me about money and we talked about the hours I would be working. The very next day she scheduled me for an interview with her supervisor...the head of claims. I was so nervous. She gave me her personal cell number so we could talk strategy and how to be successful in the interview with him. It went great. I had it on lock. I knew if I didn't get the job it would ONLY be because someone had much more experience.  At the same time a Supervisor job was posted and my best friend at work applied for it. We went through perfecting resumes, filling out the apps, and preparing for the interviews together. I mention him because there is a surprise twist coming. One of those twisted movie endings you never see coming.

First let me tell you what this job meant to me. I am one of the top people in my department making 14.72 and hour with a 10% shift differential for working nights. I'm ok at night, I have always worked nights. If you know me or follow me in any way, shape, or form you know I'm a vampire so it's all good. The problem is I got someone hired last year and found out they are hiring people in the door starting pay $15. I am lucky with the position I have because the phone job sucks so much that it is a revolving door. I have 2-3 years more experience than most everyone in the call center and they make A LOT more money than me. So, first of all this new position would have been the answer to my financial problems. I am 45 years old and if my Mom didn't need to live with me I couldn't afford my house because of past failures. I know I am a loser. This job would have changed all that. I was never able to make anyone fall in love with me, I am barren so I will never know the priceless feeling (and truly only thing I ever really wanted) of being a Mother. I know everyone thinks I'm weird, but finally everyone would know that at least I'm smart. This job title would have finally given me that, and most importantly, proven it to me. I am not anyone's idea of normal, but at least I'm smart. I only qualify for this job because I have 4 years in the department and I know what needs to done and know all the systems. I wouldn't qualify for a data analyst job in any other company.

The last question of my first interview was, when will I know? She stated to me I would know by the end of the month. So I waited 3 weeks on pins and needles. February 28, the last day of the month she started sending out emails about people being promoted, so I emailed her to ask if a decision had been made. She replied she would stop by my desk in a bit. I knew then. The gist of what she said...I kind of blanked out and was trying not to fall apart...was that  I was the top pick but, the position I applied for had been eliminated and they were splitting the job description between 2 others. She mentioned to me that she wanted to create a hybrid position for me to take advantage of the talent I had because they would still need someone for odds and ends basically and she had been playing around with job titles. We just had another meeting about that and I will go into that later. I was/am devastated. I am not exaggerating, a month later and I am still hanging on by a thread...but there's more! While I was waiting for my offer letter my Supervisor that began all this, pulled my team together to let us know that her role was changing and she would not be our boss anymore. I already knew that so I didn't think anything of it. My new role was taking over some of the reporting she does because she was going to start working more with scheduling and forecasting. My friend did get promoted to supervisor. I was pumping him up the whole time, but I really didn't think he would get it. He is 22 years old, been with the company less than 2 years and still in school working a special schedule. Do you see where I'm going with this?

2 weeks ago it was announced that Kathy (my supervisor) was moving into the role of Reporting Analyst II...But wait a minute that was the very job title I applied for that was 'eliminated' and my friend is now my supervisor. OK, I know this was not planned in the beginning. The job was posted before I even interviewed for mine. There is a significant need for more leadership. I believe with all my heart that for some reason he is more important to them than I am and they took my promotion so they could give it to him. There is no other way to rationalize it, because that is what happened. So I've had plans to meet again with the upper level manager Julie for a couple weeks and finally had my meeting this past Monday. Basically I will be doing testing, reporting, and a lot of odds and ends things they need. Basically the job I applied for, but no title (like the hybrid one she told me I'd get) and no more money, and no more being a salaried employee working day shift with weekends and holidays off reporting directly to her. I have worked every weekend for 4 years so I did ask to go on a Mon-Fri night time schedule because I can't afford a pay cut. I have to 'stay tuned' for a decision on that. She said because of the reporting they want me to do a Mon-Fri probably makes more sense. I really didn't want to ask for anything. I'm so hurt and mad at her I honestly didn't even want to have the meeting because I don't want to talk to her. I didn't ask for it at first, but decided to because I think they at least owe me that. I'm not going to hold my breath because she has already let me down twice. Lets all keep in mind that I didn't ask for any of this. THEY CAME TO ME!

I have literally cried every day for a month. Sometimes so much that my Mom held me like I was a little kid, more times than I'd like to admit and unfortunately Adam was here the day I found out Kathy got my job title and I haven't cried like that in years. Ironically I think it was the day I lost my job at Dell and he was here then too. I don't like him seeing me that way. I scared him, he was calling Mom to check on me for days after. I can't move past it. Every day I go to work and say, okay it's time to move on, but I can't. Why did she do this to me? I was stepped on and now I'm supposed to just get back up and lap up any crumbs they throw my way. The other side is now I have lost my best friend at work. I made a joke a few weeks ago, he told me first because we are so close and went through all this together, I went to him and said, well you know everyone is going to be kissing your butt now, but just remember I have been here the whole time. His response was, oh no I can't have anyone saying I'm treating someone different. I felt like he punched me in the stomach. It was a fucking joke. When we had the meeting to break it to us that he is our Sup now we were told, if we wouldn't do it in front of another Supervisor not to do it in front of him because that would put him in an awkward position. So now we can't be friends at all. I don't know what I can and can't say so I just don't say anything at all. I took it all personal because it is personal to me. I think everyone else took it that way too because on the days he is there with us no one says a word, not even to each other anymore. The tension is palpable and I don't see it getting better anytime soon. I have been vocal to my close team mates about my role changing a bit and that I'm trying to get a schedule change because I don't want to be underhanded about it. I have began worrying that it's not fair to them that I get to change hours, if I even do. I have been praying and my close family has been too. Everyone is worried about me and it's just TOO MUCH!

I've had at least 4 crushing things happen over the last 6 months. Every time something falls through everyone says well, God has something better waiting for you. I know this is true and every time a new opportunity comes I think, well that is what God had in mind for me so that it why the last thing didn't work. I know it's true and I have faith that he has a plan, but I don't know how many more failures I can handle before my "what God has planned" comes. I am literally crying every day. If anyone happens to read this....yeah I'm joking because I'm the only one who reads it...if you stumble upon this somehow, someway..give a shout out for me with the man upstairs. I could use some mental stability.

***I actually made it through this without tears. Whoop, Whoop. I would say that's progress, but Mom held me while I cried again yesterday. I guess I'm still numb today.